Hello all!

After two years, I have finally combined my websites.

From now on, all updates on Yohannes will be on my website at: www.stefnemiller.com.

To go straight to adoption updates: Choose “Adoption” in the Categories list on the right side of your screen!

It is with great sadness that we report that Karim and Phiona will not be joining our family.

After an over two and a half year process and a year after meeting the children in person, this is not the ending that we had hoped and prayed for. We are truly heartbroken.

We appreciate all of your support during this entire process and we are sure that you have many questions, but at this time, we do not feel that we can disclose the facts surrounding the case. There are other families currently working on their adoptions, and we do not want to hinder their efforts in any way.

Please continue to pray for Karim and Phiona and the new family that God will provide for them.

Again, thank you for your support.

Sadly, I have had to take any information about our Uganda adoptions off the website. Evidently, things are nasty between agencies, lawyers, governments etc, and if we  post information about our kiddos they can hold it against us.

I will update when I can.

Sorry.

Today on my personal blog (www.stefnemiller.blogspot.com) I wrote about watching my biological children wake up in the morning when they were babies. As I wrote the blog I got  the usual pang in my chest that I get when I realize that I have never nor will I ever know(n) what Yohannes, Karim and Phiona looked like as babies. To be honest, that knowledge grieves me.

I can only imagine that they had cute “makes me want to pinch ‘em” cheeks and pudgy little fingers and toes. I used to run my cheek over Jacob and Caleb’s sweet little lips when they were infants – it was something about the way they naturally pursed and their sweet softness that I couldn’t resist. I would imagine that my new children had the same dainty lips.

But, as I described in my other blog this morning, it was those moments early in the morning that I watched them wake up and greet the world that I loved the most. It was the moment when their eyes met mine and they grinned from ear to ear that my heart  would literally leap.  I can’t help but wish I could have seen Yo, Karim and Phiona as babies, waking up, making eye contact with me and giving me a grin that said – “You’re exactly what I wanted to see.”

If only. . .

Well, do you know how good God is? Yohannes’ tenth birthday was Thursday. I couldn’t wait to wake him up and sing “Happy Birthday”. I snuck in and turned on the lights, climbed onto to Jacob’s bed so that I could reach Yohannes on the top bunk and gently shook his shoulder while I whispered, “Wake up birthday boy.”

Do you know what he did? He woke up in a groggy haze, looked around the room in a scowl and then. . . as soon as  his eyes saw me, he gave one the largest grins that I’ve ever seen him give. It was one of the most precious moments that I’ve had since his arrival and it will be a memory that I will never forget.

Thank you God for that precious gift. Thank you for realizing that my heart grieved for something that I thought that I would never have the joy of experiencing and making it happen.

Just wanted to share a few pictures of Yo on his birthday. The ten year old is an absoulte blessing!

Yohannes is doing so incredibly well that it seems like every week we have a completely new child living with us. His personality continues to shine and his smiles continue to grow in size – it is amazing!

He is doing so well in fact, that we tend to forget that he still doesn’t  understand many of  our terms. For example, today he is  working on a book report about Neil Armstrong. He did the entire project, including making a puppet and writing a report, all before he turns to me and says: “So what is an astronaut any way?”

For weeks now  we’ve been talking about his birthday which is coming up on April 30th. We’ve talked about gifts and parties and cakes and candles but for some reason never mentioned that he was turning 10 years old.  During lunch on Saturday, after the terrible haircut that was discussed in the previous  post, he asked me when he would turn 10 years old. It dawned on me that we had talked endlessly about a birthday party but never told him what a birthday was. God only knows why in the world he  thought he was going to be getting such a big party, but he never asked and we never bothered to explain. So, I explained to him what a birthday was and that April 30th would be his birthday and  the day that he turned ten  years old.

Caleb, my middle child, is currently ten (and about to be eleven) so naturally the next question was: “Then on my birthday will I become  the same size as Caleb?”  I wasn’t sure if Yo was confusing “size” with “age” so I asked him to clarify to which he responded: “On my birthday will I grow as tall as Caleb? I’m too short for basketball.”  Now is that cute or what?

I continue to be reminded that no matter how fully “Americanized” he seems to have become, even the most simple things leave him scratching  his head. And so, the adventure continues.

Okay, so Yo is amazing. He’s doing amazing and he is very compliant with MOST rules and requests. There are two however that are somewhat difficult, if not darn near impossible to get him to follow: putting lotion on his skin and taking care of his hair.

Since he still wont allow me to touch him, I am left to trust that Yohannes will do an adequate job- well, he hasn’t been.

He is wanting a “fro” as he calls it and although I’m not too keen on the idea,  I have just shrugged and let him have his way. But, yesterday I talked him into letting me take him to Sports Clips and getting it “trimmed”. I assured him that we were simply going to cut a little bit off the top to make it look more even and he huffed a little but finally gave in.

An hour later poor Yohannes walked out completely bald. His hair was so matted to his head that they had to take it all off!  It was literally coming off in sheets. I tried not to tell him “I told you so” over and over again but a few did slip out and he wasn’t happy with me at all.

So, we now begin the growing out process and he swears that he will take better care of it from now on. We’ll see about that!

All I know is, I better get the hang of this before Phiona gets here!

Are you trying to make your life a little easier?

Go to www.stefnemiller.blogspot.com to find out what handy household item you shouldn’t be living without! (Don’t worry, I’m not selling anything . . . trust me, I didn’t stear you wrong on the Roomba did I?)

I’ve tossed around blogging about this topic for a while now. It’s controversial and I don’t want to upset people, but, here I am doing it anyway. Some events over the last week have thrown me over the edge and I can’t remain silent any longer.

All over the blogs, friends have been discussing the rude comments people will make to them about being white and having a child that is obviously from a different race. Time and time again the accusation is that people who have adopted a child internationally are jumping on some trendy bandwagon in an effort to be “cool”. I am constantly amazed at how complete strangers feel they have the right to comment on something that they obviously know nothing about. What’s worse is when you get it from friends and family – although they usually try to hide it in some form of joke so that we don’t figure out the accusation.

One person made the accusation towards me and I gave a polite smile but inside was thinking: “You’re the one who drives a Lexus SUV and wears only Abercrombie and Fitch and you think I’m wanting to be trendy?” (Yes I realize that my thoughts were just as judgemental as theirs, but sadly, it felt somewhat justified at the time).

So, I figured I’d lay it all out there – get it all off my chest once and for all.

If even innocently your mind goes to the place of wondering if people adopt internationally for the “glory”, ponder the following:

If in fact someone made the decision to adopt because they wanted to be cool, I can guarantee you that they wouldn’t make it beyond preparing for their home study and getting their dossier information together. Just that process alone would weed out people who weren’t in it for the right reasons. It is a long and tedious process and you must lay your life out like an open book. It took me weeks just to get all the necessary information put together before I could even apply to the adoption agency . . . and preparing for the home study? Forget about it!

Have you ever talked to people who have adopted internationally? No, I don’t mean have a nice little conversation, I mean really talk to them. Ask them questions? Find out what process has been like for them? If not, let me point you to www.redletterscampaign.com so you can take a gander at some of the blogs that are on the site. You shouldn’t have a problem finding one that would interest you – there are hundreds. Every international country that allows adoption is represented by at least one family blog. Read through some of them and then come back and tell me if you think any of those people adopted because it was the cool thing to do. Read about the heartache in waiting for their children to come home. Visualize their excitement as you read the announcement that they finally received a referral (a child selected for them) after waiting for over a year. Contemplate how difficult of a transition it is for everyone involved once the child finally walks into their new families arms. Read all those stories and then see if you still feel the same way about people who adopt outside the country.

If money is your the language you speak, well know this – adoption isn’t cheap. If people merely wanted to be cool they could have more than likely purchased a luxury vehicle for less than what it cost them to give an orphan child a home. Those who have adopted more than one child otherwise might have been able to purchase a small home. Very few of us have the monetary capacity that someone like Brad, Angelina and Madonna do. But we adopt because we desperately want to give a child a home,  and the financial aspect doesn’t really register. I know for my family, although covering the cost was a concern, it was never a hindrance. When you feel led to do something, you do what you’ve got to do. I doubt someone only wanting to be cool would be willing to part with the cash – they could find much cheaper ways to draw attention to themselves.

“Brangelina” and Madonna have done a wonderful thing by opening the world’s eyes to international adoption. They have shown that adoption is possible, that there is a need for homes for children all over the world and that the children can flourish in their new lives. Rest assured, I didn’t adopt so that I could be like them, but I am delighted that we share a common belief – that every child, no matter what color their skin or country they come from, has the right to have a mother or father or both, who love them.

Who would have known that American Idol would have ever afforded me the opportunity to teach a life lesson to my boys.

I must start by admitting that I was never a Megan Joy fan – there, its out there. BUT, even though I wasn’t a fan of her singing  style, my problem with her tonight had nothing to do with her vocals.

I noticed over the last several weeks that when an Idol judge would offer criticism she would say she didn’t agree. Most of the other contestants would usually say that they would consider the judges remarks, but not Megan. There was an obvious disinterest in hearing  anything  but positive commentary. Tonight, she even went so far as to say that she didn’t care what Simon had told her the night before. Really? You’re trying to win a singing competition and you can’t bring yourself to accept constructive criticism? You want to have a successful music career but you aren’t going to listen to those who don’t have the same opinion you do – even if they are looking out for your best interest?

Just imagine what most record producers were thinking . . . “I don’t want to work with her.” Have you ever tried to work with/for someone who wouldn’t take input?  Did you enjoy it? Have you ever tried to help someone who refused to listen to any point  of view other than their own? Have you ever known someone who believed that if you had any disagreement with the way they did something than it must mean you didn’t like them as a person or better yet, that something was wrong with you? It’s like beating you head against a wall! The “its my way or the high way” belief – astounding.

How can anyone expect to grow if they aren’t willing to accept honest, caring  feedback about their actions, behaviors and choices?

So here were my questions:

How could she have handled the situation differently? Does it make you weaker or less of a person if someone  else doesn’t agree with you or the way you choose to do something? What does it say about you if you are only willing to listen to people’s positive comments? If someone (a relative, close friend, superior, etc) comes to you and tells you they disagree with you or see an area of concern and your first response is to become angry, what is that telling you? If you hear the same feedback on numerous occassions and still refuse  to hear – well you get the point. Something is out of balance.

My problem with Megan isn’t that she disagreed with the judges. My problem with Megan was the disrespectful way in which she told them she didn’t agree and the obvious lack of interest in what they had to say. It was the attitude of: If you don’t agree than I don’t need you. Granted, we can’t listen to and accept every negative thing people say about us.  If we did we’d be in a fetal position and never leave our homes. But, we also can’t surround ourselves with people who care about us and allow them to be a part of our lives only if they agree with us 100% of the time. And, if we truly don’t agree with their input but respect them, isn’t there a better, more gracious way to reply?

What was the consequence for Megan’s choice to tell the world that she didn’t care about what Simon had said? I thought Simon (as annoying as he can be) was spot on in returning her disrespectful action by saying – “then we won’t even consider saving you”. In other words, why should we honor you when you acted so disrespectfully towards us? We don’t owe you an audience. If our opinion is of so little value than we shouldn’t have to waste our time in giving you another chance. Why would we put ourselves out there only to have you respond in the same manner? Why should we give you more consideration than you are willing to give us?

Now Megan said she didn’t care – but did you see how upset she was to be going  home? The reality is – she did care. But, (in my opinion)  maybe she cared in an unhealthy way. Maybe she took the feedback personally. Rather than hearing what was actually being said which was: “Your song choice was wrong. You aren’t being yourself. You are trying to be someone you’re not – you were good just the way you were when we first saw you. Don’t change now in order to please everyone else.” What she heard was: “You’re not good enough. You can’t sing. We don’t like you.” Maybe that’s why she responded the way she did. She couldn’t differentiate between someone  saying “I don’t like what you’re doing from I don’t like you.” So, her defenses went up and in order to keep herself from hurting she had to try to convince herself and everyone watching that she just didn’t care. But did anyone  actually buy it? We know Simon didn’t. When he heard Ryan proclaim: “She said she didn’t care what you had to say.” Simon’s response was: “Oh yes she did.”

So, the lesson for my children: You should not be open up to everyone’s critique and not everyone has the right  to speak into your  life. However, when it comes to people who love you and care for you (a teacher, coach, future  boss, spouse or close friend) whom you know have your best interest in mind, graciously accept advice and if you don’t agree, than respectfully agree to disagree.  Everyone needs correction. Everyone needs advice.  Everyone needs another opinion about important  issues. It doesn’t make you less of a person to graciously listen and consider their words – whether you choose to apply them or not  is another story – but give people the respect they deserve and perhaps have earned  and listen. Maybe they’re actually right.

In this particular case with Megan, Simon was  right and Megan went home. Maybe she should have been more open to the warnings in the two previous weeks. Maybe she should have graciously taken a little advice.